pondering… My Source of Fear

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Fear-determine-life-quote_Fotor

Bored and tired and pondering over my life’s past, present and future I decided to google images ” life quotes about fear”. I came upon this quote which to me seems to be two quote in one. One is that never let fear determine who you are and the other is never let where you’ve been determine where you are going. Both parts apply to my life and my mood today in particular. At the age of 28 I have fears mostly regarding my self. Where did the time go? where am i heading? could have i made different choices in life and had different outcomes? Am I satisfied with my life right now? Where do i go from here and break away from my fears? My fear of failure is the greatest one. One that i am unable to shake. Coming from a home in which a man, my father, was in charge and abusive my greatest fear was dependency on a man for my financial and emotional well being. I wanted to fight and work hard and prove to myself and my four younger siblings, especially my two sisters, that I am a woman of the 21st century who doesn’t necessarily require a man for finances, who can become her own success through hard work and perseverance. My health in my twenties had brought me to my knees. No matter how much i fought it just was out of my hands. But despite this realization, my mind refuses to let go of the fear that i have held on to, the fear that fueled me to strive for independence and greatness in my own right. Now happily married with the love of my life, to a man who is the polar opposite of what my father was and is, a man who has showed me that its ok to be scared and to let my self depend on him. I still struggle to trust life.

This brings me to the second part of the quote, which now seems to be connected to the first part as I initially felt that the two statements were independent of each other. The misery i feel today for not being able to be an independent woman comes from my past fear of dependency. I am letting that fear determine my state of mind. My state of mind is shambled as i struggle to break away and make a place for my self. To strive for more, to work, to continue my education to be someone independent of all others. Has God forsaken me through my health? or is this the life i am meant to live? How do i accept what is and what isn’t and what can’t be? Shall i give into whatever plan has been laid out for me? Should i be happy that I am married to a wonderful man with all the time i need to spend with my lonely mother and my younger sister? and my husband? Am i just ungrateful for a comfortable life. Where I dont have to worry about waking up at work or to stress about tests? All these things are blessings yet i manage to go right back to the fear… Am i too dependent even though there are people depending on me? I hope and pray that my health is sorted so that I can enjoy all that life has to offer me. I can be independent yet still be dependent which i have learned is a great medium. But until i feel in control again… I will keep fearing…

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