Having dealt with an emotionally charged day… I got to thinking when do you stop putting others before yourself? Obviously its impossible to stop caring for the ones you love but when do you throw in the proverbial towel and say I can no longer take care of someone because it is causing me to lose my self in the process? It is very difficult for someone like me who had always been a care taker, almost a father figure to my siblings, even though I am their older sister, to not care about someone I love. After my mother split up with my abusive father and I being the eldest out of five, my Eastern culture and custom put me in a position where I had to make sure everyone in the family was alright before I checked my self, just as my mother did.
But I, at the age of seventeen, was not ready to be a parent to four younger siblings. I do not regret a minute of the time I spent worrying and disciplining because thank God all of them are healthy and happy and successful. Recently the youngest turned eighteen. I am tired. I am exhausted, both emotionally and physically drained. I put on a happy face to try to trick my self into believing that I am happy. But deep down I know I am sad and lonely. No matter how many people around me reassure me every moment that they love me and support me and even though I feel that love and support, sometimes I want to collapse and give into my depression and let my self loath in the misery that I feel. But I can’t do that. I can’t do that because my fragile mother would take one look at my face and herself, would fall. Even though she can see right through my happy facade at least it gives her hope and reassurance that I am alright, at least for the moment.